To infinity and...

I feel as if my life is on fast forward, time has passed so fast and so many things have changed. Summer finally started after the excruciating winter, that I happen to love so much, but I also love wearing dresses, which is close to impossible during other seasons. I am currently enjoying my vacation, which is one month long and I absolutely love it, doing nothing I mean. I am known for doing hundred things all at once and being active, this time is different. I'm taking things slow and enjoying myself. Still I can't be in one place for too long, not that I don't want to, but my presence is demanded all over this beautiful country. 

Vacation started with Hard Rock Laager, let me just say that amazeballz, I'm blown away by the music, people, everything. It's quite an experience and the harsh looking people are really soft inside, but don't tell anyone, just enjoy their company ;). I must tell you that the music was awesome, the bands I discovered for myself, like Wolf - a glam rock group, or Candlemass, which was probably my favorite from the line-up. Most hardcore was Anaal Nathrakh, warm hearted guys with honest, but twisted minds. What I learned from the festival was that there will always be people to help you to put up your tent if you look hopeless enough. If you are good to people and keep them company, they will later ask you to visit them. Always share your food with people, because you never know when you will need the favor to be returned and it will come back to you, one way or another. Bus drivers are people too, they may offer you shelter from the rain and a pit stop whenever your bladder is exploding :D. Also, people always want to communicate, just meet them half way and you will never feel lonely again among people. Now let me back up the story to June, because it will explain why I didn't stay at home for more than a day after the festival. 

So in the end of May I started using a dating app called Tinder, which a friend of mine told me about. I guess I came to realize that I have nothing to lose and it wouldn't hurt to go on a few dates. I had no idea what I'm getting myself into. I went on several dates, there was this one guy who looked very hardcore, I mean long hair and rock 'n' roll style, but worked as a weaver, the date was quite awkward, because he told me several times that it is not a date and later wanted something more, but I wasn't interested. Another guy was into extreme sports and owned a nice apartment, he also drove me around in his luxurious BMW. There was physical attraction, but not much to talk about. He did teach me how to ride a bicycle and he was strong enough to catch me when I almost fell into a swamp, I owe him that. Shortly after I saw that he started a relationship with a single mother, that reminded me of my ex boyfriend, so I left it there… I also went on a date with a super smart science guy, we had a great time and all, but after the date I haven't heard of him at all, I guess he wasn't all that into me. I had a date at my place with a guy who brought me chocolate and constantly wanted to tickle me, he was hairy like a polar bear and that was a bit disturbing for me. I had a great dinner date with a future engineer, now he was a delight, but since he is too busy to have a relationship, I friend zoned him. I also had a date with a young journalist. He was great, same taste in music, similar interests, everything seemed to be perfect until I got to know him better. He turned out to be deeply scarred by bullies in the past, also a huge drama queen and quite self centered. God knows, I don't need any drama in my life and I got plenty from him. I mean I loved it when he sang to me, because i'm very much into musicians, but all of the stress and his insecurities are not worth it. You must think that I horribly failed at this dating game, but you are mistaken. 

There is yet another date I haven't told you about. I was rather attracted to his description of himself, he loves to laugh, what could have been better than to start the conversation with a joke. We didn't do much talking online, I prefer to meet the person in real life, so we did. It was a true marathon date and I wore new shoes, which made me run late for the date, but luckily he didn't mind. The date itself was lovely, he looked sharp, held an intelligent conversation, I felt comfortable, a bit nervous, but still surprisingly confident. We sat in a cafe called Love, which is absolutely my favorite cafe in Tartu, at one point a small girl and a tiny dog joined our conversation, but it all felt so natural and he seemed to be kind and great with kids, even though the girl kept wrecking our couch, but he didn't lose his cool. Time flied by in this infinite forever, but I didn't want the date to end there. Luckily we continued it with some beer and tobacco on a bench by Emajõgi, which later became our special meeting place. When it got a bit chilly outside, I suggested to move the party to my place, I must admit that I was a bit tipsy, which made me bolder than I usually am. So we bought some wine and listened to some music at my place, it was odd, how he knew many songs, that my friends usually don't know or don't listen to, finally I didn't feel like a freak anymore for having such a wide taste in music. At some point he invited me to dance with him, which I found very romantic, so I agreed, even though I'm rusty, haven't danced for ages, but he was smooth. I enjoyed the dance and suddenly he kissed me, I remember it being tender and warm. For a minute I felt dizzy and my knees were weak. I was literally speechless, I have never felt anything like this after a kiss, but there I was, all cradled in love and romance. After that evening I was hooked. 

With the arrival of the morning I felt scared, because I had something to lose again. I tried to push him away and rationalize my feelings in the fear of getting hurt again. My wounds are still somewhat fresh, but eventually I figured that I must move on sometime. Later after trying to block him from my mind, which was impossible, because I constantly thought about the mesmerizing kiss, I received a message, it was from him and contained something what seemed to be a fairytale. I carried the leading role in the story he wrote and it was beautiful to see myself through his eyes. I had no idea that all this went through his mind during our fairytale date. I read it several times, shed a tear or two and decided to go for it, another date was determined to happen. After meeting some of his friends, who accepted me as one of their own right away, I felt as if I was home. A charming man adoring me and a group of kind an interesting people around me. I still hesitated a bit when he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend, but after spending some time with him away from the city buzz, I finally said yes in a perfect storm. Things have been getting better ever since. He has been a true gentleman, treating me like a princess. He restored my faith in love and deals well with my craziness, he even loves me for it, so I'm trying to cope with this happiness thing and trying not to screw this up, looking towards the future with hope and hand in hand.

Mad but Magic

It is late again and I'm in the mood for writing about my thoughts. I have thought long and hard about things after every person I met and every event I have visited so far. I'll start with this lecture about where books come from and where do they go in Trükimuuseum. I learned an important thing about death during that lecture, if some books must be eliminated, because they get old, unpopular or there's just too many of them, it's the same with people - some must die for others to live. If not one book was eliminated from this world, the earth would be covered with books, same with people and this planet is already too crowded. It is funny, I believe I have lived as many lives as I have read books, because every one of them has given me another life and took me on an adventure, even those I didn't like. Perhaps that's why I am calmer than my peers and some mistakes have left undone, because I kind of made them through the books I read. I love the smell of books, old and new, they are magical, they are my Narnia… 

Another thing that makes me super happy is the bakery on my street, I visited it on a rainy morning an hour after opening and most of the things were already sold. I bought a cinnamon bun, which was warm, a carrot cake and a raspberry brownie, everything was just too delicious, yummy in my tummy. The bakery was born during the festival called Supilinna Päevad as an experiment and a year later they opened a bakery permanently. The festival was also heartwarming, I got to know the neighborhood and all the wonderful places in our district, there are swans here and a beach and cute houses. Plus the people are sweet, this one morning a boy came up to me and told a joke, just for fun and it made my day. 

Music style, which I learned about in Tartu and also started appreciating is stoner rock, it is mesmerizing, just like a hypnosis or something… There was this event called Aprillikivi, which consisted of two days full of throwing hair and listening to guys and their instruments scream in the mic, funny but it was somewhat soothing. Another funny thing I found out was that some Estonians in front of the stage weren't even moving to the music, how can you not move when the music is playing, I'm always moved by music, can not do it any other way, maybe it's weird, but for me moving comes naturally. I remember this one time I was smoking in front of a bar and I was moving to the beat that was haunting me from another bar, basically I heard it in my head and some guy called me crazy, oh well, that's his problem. 

I also learned that Student Days are mostly fun if you're a student, because it's just like listening to an inside joke - you can think that it's funny, but in real life, you just don't get it the right way. One challenge I did take during that week and it was like an adventure journey, basically all of the people were divided into groups, I took the one with a longer route and for three hours we walked and visited almost all districts of Tartu, about 18km. It was a mad thing to do without previous preparation, but the walk was full of magic. I got tired, my shoes drowned in mud, I had to climb wobbly stairs and I hate stairs in general, I even fell once, because it was dark and I stumbled upon some tree roots - it was truly an experience, a challenge, but I did it. 

I went dancing the next night, because it was Walpurgis Night, which is the night of witches, but also the celebration of coming of spring, the time when love is awakened in our hearts after a long winter. As a hopeless romantic, I also met someone I really liked on that night, but haven't heard of him since, but what I realized is that it's important to have standards and not settle for anything less than what you truly like and are happy with. I once said to myself that I will never be in a relationship just to keep away the loneliness, because what if your true love will come along and you already are with someone and lose that chance to be with someone truly amazing who is a better match. I'm just saying that have a little patience. I have thought about what kind of a person I would like to see by my side and finally I know - I want a positive person who is also ambitious and good looking. Call me shallow, but I believe that appearance is important. I'm not saying it's everything, but it's important for me. Another story is what is beautiful according to me or someone else. So remember, never settle for someone you don't see a future with, because there is a person who meets your expectations, trust me on that. 

Let's go back to music topic, two things I wanted to tell you about. There's this band called Von Dorpat and a friend of mine is in that band. I think that they are truly talented young men, making music only in Estonian. It is admirable, because not everybody can write songs in Estonian, it is hard. It's not like French, which you can twist around or add an "e" to the end for it to rhyme nor is it like English, where there are so many ways to say the same thing. One of my favorites is this song, it captures the spirit of Tartu - a bit sad on the words, but romantic and with a note of hopefulness. 

Another song that has been following me for two weeks now is something I heard on Estonian Idol. The guy who sang it on the show is also from Tartu and he amazed me, I heard for the first time, why he is still running for the title. The song is originally sang by Sam Smith, listen to it here. 

So today was laundry day, finally ran out of clean underwear. Hand washed all of my black clothes, since I do not own a washing machine. Still have blue, pink and white clothes waiting to get clean. I noticed that I'm most active with chores in the early morning and late at night. I guess in between I'm just working. Living alone teaches to get things done, because no one else is going to do them for you. Another thing about chores is to do them every day, then it's not that overwhelming than to do everything at once. I also feel that I'm physically very weak, this one time I couldn't open a bottle and the other time when I was getting some wood for heating and the logs just fell from my hands, I cried a little. My dresser is falling apart and I have no idea how to repair it, I'm such a mess sometimes, but at least I can run around naked and not heat my apartment, because I like it a little bit cold, it helps me sleep better. 

You know, I have always sucked at physics, but nevertheless I have also always been fascinated by the subject. I even started reading Michio Kaku "Parallel Worlds" and even though I don't understand much, I am fascinated. I went to listen to a lecture about physics and music, what connects them and I found out that a lot of things. You can make a bagpipe out of a plastic bag and an ordinary pipe, sounds logical, it was so cool. All of the cool gas that alters the voice, the lecturer also blew up a balloon full of some other gas, all in all, there is a strong connection between the two and I wish I saw these tests when I was in school, maybe I would have been intrigued enough to study the subject harder. I guess there are two ways of how to decide on what to study further - either you know about it a lot and you want more, because you're good at it or you know nothing about it and you're dying from curiosity. I even started watching The Big Bang Theory from the very first episode, maybe it's not a very legit show, but it's funny. 

So I was watching Dr.Oz and a couple of things I'd like to share with you. He suggested to drink coffee with a piece of butter instead of milk and sugar, crazy right? Who wants to try it with me? Another topic was preventing cancer, there are three things you can consume to reduce the risk - 5 cups of green or oolong tea, 3 cups of coffee a day and a couple of peaches a week. Sounds easy enough and all of those things that I already love to drink/eat. I guess my body loves me so much that it craves for the things that prolong my lifetime. That's it for this time, so love your body, let it love you back, don't forget to listen to what it's telling you and keep your balance!

Tartu is all about music

So I just came from a concert. Beautiful Drukmo Gyal sang enchanting mantras with three talented musicians - Taavi Peterson, Joosep Kõrvits and Leho Rubis. Now close your eyes and imagine a fragile tiny creature with a crystal voice and three men with instruments, East meets West. A cello, guitar and a flute, which I like to refer to as the longing call of the mountains. The mantras she sang of were about traits, which we have, but need to develop more, for example love, equality, compassion and joy. One mantra was about mothers and what we have learned from them. My favorite mantra was about the elements in us, which are also the elements of nature - wind, fire, water, earth, space and how to purify those elements. It should also be on youtube, go listen here, it is truly beautiful. Do you know the feeling when your body feels heavy, but very warm, you're smiling and crying and feel just like floating all at once, this is the feeling I get listening to these mantras. First thing I did, when I arrived back home, I played my new CD, which I picked up from the concert, best investment ever. Now I have two relaxing CDs, the other one is nature sounds with wolves howling on the background. I don't even remember when and where I got it, but it takes you to the forest of magical wolves and you just run with your mind along the side of the wolves - the ultimate feeling of freedom.
Another thing that's going on in Tartu is Thinking Festival. I have already participated several lectures about psychology. There was this event called thought date where you were given a topic to discuss with the person you see for the first time for about five minutes. This should be a thing every Friday. It would be a lot easier to make friends this way. I also met several wonderful and fascinating people along the process. Some things I found out is that our mind and senses are very easily tricked, it is also easy to do with drugs, but that's another day's topic. However this mind tricking state is achieved with several tool, for example upside down goggles. Try wearing them for a while or spell your name, the hand just doesn't move. You know the picture of the dress, which to some seems to be gold & white and to others as black & blue. I always thought that it is white and gold, but in reality it is black and blue. Did you know that human brain remembers things better if you link the knowledge to something that you derive from it? Also did you know why it is easier to notice an angry face from a happy crowd than the other way around? It is so because an angry face is a threat and our mind is very protective. At one mind quiz, our team won. I am not the bragging type, but smart kids and geisha candy tasted like victory.
Also hippo's milk is pink, which is a very important fact!
This one evening I was cooking in my kitchen and I heard my upstairs neighbor playing the guitar and singing a song from Nirvana. I'm telling you, Tartu is all about music. All of the wonderful songs and sounds and places to go to listen to them, the events, even the radio is full of young talents. Most of the people I know here are musicians. Last time I drove the bus home for excruciating 2,5 hours, I wrote a song. I hope to give it a finishing touch soon, maybe someday you will hear it…
You know, I miss my family and friends like crazy, being here in Tartu, but I'm glad I moved here, because I have never loved a city this much, I haven't felt so alive and so appreciated for such a long time. Yes I still have issues and anger inside, but I'm happy, really truly happy and proud of myself. I think that if I work on myself, I will achieve the zen state, where I don't torture my mind with thoughts, but it can flow as it chooses. I am determined to achieve something important for myself and be the best version of myself that I can be.

Dinner for one

Ever since I started flying solo again, I kind of stopped eating. It was great for my figure, but not that great for my health. To be honest, I have never known how to eat alone, all by myself. So I learned little by little, to eat again. I lost a huge amount of weight at first, I lost my appetite, ate only noodles, but I also understood that it had to change, because I had no energy to get out of bed even.
So I started researching, what food to eat to get the most of it. As a result, I fell in love with avocado. Before, my hair was dry, my nails broke all the time and then I started eating the right kind of nutrients, a lot of good fat that avocado contains. I eat it almost every day. Did you know that you can use it in salty and sweet food? Avocado and chocolate pudding is one of the best things - not too sweet and very creamy.
Another thing that I found out that one pack of spaghetti lasts for four days. I never thought about quantity before, when cooking, because it has always been better if there's more of whatever I'm cooking. Now I only cook for one and the amounts are really small.
Also popcorn tastes way better, when it is made on a pan. This I discovered, because I just don't have a microwave, and don't miss having one. And I do enjoy seeing them pop.
I also replaced chips with popcorn and nuts, and started eating apples again, because they are cheap and contain a lot of vitamins. As they say - an apple a day keeps the doctor away!
I often think that this eating thing is not nuclear science, but where were my brains when I was in a relationship? I mean chips and beer every other night was never a good choice. I guess it's the comfort zone and adapting with another person's eating habits, but that is not an excuse.
There is a store called Umami here in Tartu and I'm dying to go there. If you look it up, it has so many interesting ingredients, asian food, spices, for example, did you know that black garlic exists or how does smoked salt taste like? Awesome.
About places to go out to eat, I have been to Päris Pariis and that chef's special is a great choice - your pancake is soaked in Cointreau and set on fire, tastes like caramelized orange. Sushi places are not the best in here. Cafe Crepe is also not my favorite, the portion is just huge and doesn't taste so good. Tibetan restaurant Himaalaja jutud is not a bad place, portions are meant for two, but the interior is disappointing. Fast food places in the other hand are great, sandwich cafe Metro is great, because you can choose everything that goes in and Fasters food is just delicious, especially in 4 in the morning. My absolutely favorite cafe in Tartu is called Armastus, which means love and for a good reason, you will leave the place feeling loved and that's what great service is all about.

Movie talk - "The Fencer"

For the first time, I visited Tartu Elektriteater. It reminded me of Von Krahl in Tallinn a bit. The best thing about this visit was, that two leading actors came to answer questions after the movie. Even I asked one. Let me tell you, following story is full of spoilers, so stop reading, go see it and come back to discuss it with me.
The movie was based on true characters with some modifications, because it was not a documentary, but not all was made up. What I learned was that fencing is a thing in Haapsalu, I mean, who knew about this? Another thing that was said - amazing child actors do exist, right here in Estonia.
About the movie, it made me cry on so many levels, I mean, yes I'm an emotional person, but the story was touching. A man who fled from war, changed his name, left his career as a fencer and risked his life, because he didn't want to let his students down. A person who didn't even know how to interact with children, but they trusted him and they stole his heart. Leading actor Märt Avandi, said that children appreciate honesty and they can feel it, if you are trying to trick them. I think that if it comes to children, I become especially sensitive, maybe that's why all my sparkly eye liner was all over my cheeks by the end of the movie. I can also say that the story has a relatively happy end, so don't worry, it is suitable for a younger audience.
I really really really liked this movie. It is just long enough, camera work and finishing touches are really good, the story itself is interesting, characters are lovable, a bit of humor and a lot of seriousness, plus great acting makes you lose yourself in the story and find yourself again, cheering along for the children and maybe, just maybe you can see the story through a child's eyes, for whom everything is new and exciting.
Hope you give it a chance to let it touch your soul as much as it touched mine, I hope you form an opinion strong enough to tell me about it.

Start again

New beginning in Tartu - an end in Tallinn…
I've been here for about two months and I feel as if I've become older than ever before in any period of time. Realizations and seeing through people's motives. And all it took was two months of forced solitude, which grew into a cry for solitude. Maybe now is the time to read Gabriel García Márquez's "One Hundred Years of Solitude" once again. Maybe, just maybe now I will see, what it's all about.
I've learned that saying "no" is the most important lesson in life - when and who to say it to. It will make you see that those who use you for their own wellbeing are the ones who take the most time to leave and find most clever excuses why not to.

The power of solitude is endless. Just recently I was watching this reality show called "A vacation in Mexico" and a guy was in front of a decision wether to choose a life with his loved one or success beyond this world, but in solitude. Of course he chose his girl and I'm happy he did, but total success is easier to achieve alone, it takes a lot of concentration. 

I am at a crossroad, from one side I want to fall in love and all the fireworks, but on the other hand I am determined that I must achieve something bigger. I must do something really important and what if I can only do it alone, not having anyone to hold me down when I'm about to take off to a higher ground. I need love to function, but despair and loneliness make me prosper. 

Perhaps I'm having these mixed feelings, because I must rise my standards. I need someone who would strive for the same success, who has the same hunger for life and who would appreciate the little things and would know when to be humble and when to be a shark. My friends were right, they gave me a standard, which I must not lower. Even if this was a joke, it has tremendous truth within. Never lower a standard of what you deserve.